Communicating God's Way
Web site: Reconciling God's Way
Monday through Friday 12:30 pm to 12:45 pm
CHOOSE TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE A HIGH PRIORITY
Choose a strong foundation:
GOD created marriage. We need to understand that our marriages are important to GOD
Ask ourselves how does our marriage glorify God.
Learn to Pray together
Develop a marriage mission statement, adopt a marriage verse
Rate our marriage
What are the areas we are doing well in?
What areas need improvement?
Develop a plan to strengthen the areas that need improvement
God's Way of Love
1 Corinthians 13
New American Standard Version
The Excellence of Love
1If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
3And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
9For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
10but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
11When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
13But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
15 Things that get in the way of loving your spouse and family - God's way:
1. Being to busy or goal-oriented (Personality type can play into this)
2. Being too self-focused (Getting feelings hurt too easily, keeping record of wrong-doing)
3. Thinking that suffering is unfair (don't know God's Word)
4. Fearing others instead God, and "protecting" the wrong way
5. Mistrusting God (goes along with not knowing His Word)
6. Giving up, and not trying hard enough or long enough for the REAL changes to take place (looks for others' change more than your own)
7. Misunderstanding that caring for others may mean letting them suffer
8. Too insecure (needs the love of spouse in order to feel worthy)
9. Expecting others to meet all their needs (does not know how to be self-nurtured)
10. Does not express anger properly
11. Expects to be able to control what and how others express their love
12. Does not understand how to forgive unconditionally (reconciliation is different that forgiveness)
13. Does not understand how to speak and live truth (instead live in secret sin for the purpose of taking away pain or controlling others)
14. Does not know how to see the person through God's eyes
15. Does not understand Agape Love (love is conditional)
RESPECT Webster's Dictionary: To consider worthy, and to regard highly.
God: Tells women to respect their husbands, and He tells the men to love their wives.
While we are told to do this without regard to what the other is doing, there are principles that can help each of us do this.
If a man is respected by his wife, she will regard him highly and in turn he will love her.
If a woman loves her husband it will help him to do the things that can generate respect.
Qualities that can help generate respect and love are found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails.
Where's Your Focus? - Is it on... GOD or « Your Marriage « Your happiness « Your children
GOD or « Your health « Your job « Your finances
Are you living the way of the World, or are you living the way of the WORD?
There is a lot of competition to get our attention in this world, and to shift our focus from our Christ to our Crisis.
To readjust your focus:
1. Start with simple reading of Scripture daily to get the Word in you.
2. Obey God when He convicts you of sin in your life ... regardless of how small!
3. See others as Christ sees them to avoid having bitterness in your heart.
4. Find out what makes you feel closer to the Lord and do it daily
Example: Men tend to like things, so maybe as a man you need to focus on the "fix-it" verses in God's Word. Women then to be more relational, so maybe as a woman you feel closer to the Lord when you her music or think of Jesus' love for you.
Call: Valley Community Marriage and Family Resource Center for a "Focus Meter" to keep in your Bible or on your desk or in your car. (209) 578-HELP (4357)
OR
email us at: info@valleymarriage.com
How to Build Strong Connections in Blended Marriages - God's Way
Marriage Statistics
- Approximately 50% of all first marriages end in divorce
- About 75% of divorced persons eventually remarry
- 46% of marriages today is a remarriage for one or both partners
- About 65% of remarriages involve children from the prior marriage and thus form stepfamilies
- Approximately 1300 new stepfamilies are formed every day in the U.S., and it's predicted that by 2010 there will be more stepfamilies in the U.S. than any other type of marriage
- About 60 - 65% of remarriages end in divorce
- Putting it another way,
50% of U.S. children will see their parents divorce and 50% of those children will see at least one parent divorce a second time.
CONNECTION BUILDERS
1. STATISTICS (DON'T BE ONE)
- Decide and determine together, that you will not be another divorce statistic
© Verse: "'I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel", Malachi 2:16 NIV
© Verse: "So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" Matthew 19:5-6 NIV.
2. BUILD YOUR FAMILY ON A FIRM FOUNDATION
© Verse: "Unless the LORD (re)builds the house, its builder labor in vain. Psalm 127:1 NIV
3. STEP-COUPLE RELATIONSHIP
- Become "life-mates" not "ex-mates" through prioritizing your marriage.
- It's estimated that over half of U.S. stepfamilies re/divorce emotionally or legally within 10 years of re/wedding.
Resource: Stepfamily Information! http://sfhelp.org
EXPECTATIONS
Love will happen instantly between all family members
There is nothing "instant" about love happening between family members. Love, security, safety, and trust in a stepfamily is developed slowly over time [Microwave - Pressure Cooker - Crock Pot]
LOSS
Give yourself, your spouse and especially the children permission to grieve the past so they can embrace the future.
4. FINANCES
Make a financial plan together. Realize that there is no one right way (or magic bullet) to handle stepfamily finances. Be flexible. Create your financial plan together.
Riding the Waves of Tribulation in Your Marriage - God's Way
There will be times in your family and marriage that you will have to face tragedy or painful crises. Will you be ready?
Eight Lessons in Learning to Surf (Suffer) God's Way
1. Realize that "Waves" are Good! - Romans 5:3, 4 and James 1:2-4.
Practice with your "suffer board" so that when you get hit with the wave, you are ready to surf - not drown.
© Read the Bible daily
© Be in a Bible study of some kind
2. Don't be a "hot-dogger" in your marriage and with others - Proverbs 16:18 and Matthew 7:1-5.
Pride will kill relationships. Learn humility and take responsibility for your won actions.
© Ask God and others what "log" you have in your own eye. Spouse or children are the best.
3. What "undercurrents" are ready to take you down? - Ephesians 4:25-27 and 1 Peter 1:13-16.
Is thee secret sin in your life?
© Confess it to God
© Be accountable to others
© Repent, don't just "be sorry"
4. Realize that there's a "shark" in the waters waiting to devour you! 1 Peter 5:8.
Your enemy is NOT your spouse and that Satan is after your marriage and family
© Ask forgiveness from your spouse when you have offended them
© Be proactive after a crisis, learn from it
5. Don't give up when you "wipe-out"! Matthew 7:24-27 and 1 Peter 5:10
Everyone will fall off their board at time, but don't let that be a reason to give up
© Do the right thing even if you don't feel like it
© Be willing to get some outside counseling or information
© Learn from it, and share it with others
6. Don't just set back and "bask in the sunshine" when things are going well. 2 Thessalonians 3:11-13 and 2 Corinthians 1:3, 4
Be involved in some type of ministry and continue being accountable to others
© Volunteer in ministry
© Take classes
© Stay in your small group, continue attending church
7. Be willing to "shoot the curl" and do the extraordinary after a tragedy or crisis in your life. 1 Corinthians 1:18, 19 and Galatians 5:16-23
© Get well first
© Don't transfer your pain and try to deny the fact that you've had something happen painful happen in you life.
© Serve in a group setting and be under someone else while you learn how to use your experience to help others.
8. Learn to "Hang Ten" in you marriage and family. Exodus 20:2, 3 and Galatians 6:1-5
© Have a family mission statement
© Live by God's rules for a Christian household
© Remember that it's not all about you!
TEN COMMITMENTS of Marriage
Communications - God's Way*
1. Love God with all your heart, and then love your spouse above all other human relationships, and have no other relationship on earth more important.
2. keep your priorities straight. Never put work or hobbies above lyour family.
3. Honor your spouse with words of kindness.
4. Keep your date night holy. Never miss spending time alone weekly.
5. Love each other and be godly parents to your children. Be united in your parenting.
6. Don't kill the marriage by using the words "separation" or "divorce" in your vocabulary when you're angry.
7. Be faithful to your spouse. Never have a close, intimate friendship with someone of the opposite gender.
8. Don't let your job or others steal away time from your spouse and family.
9. Be honest always. Intimacy means "In-To-Me-See". Be real with each other.
10. Be content with what you have. Let your spouse know that you're spouse know that you're happy and don't covet what someone else has.
* Created by the International Center for Reconciling God's Way, Inc., Modesto, CA
Complete list of "Traits of a Healthy Communicator"
1. Attitude of gratefulness
a) Humbleness - eliminating pride
b) Meekness - power under control
2. Spirit of problem-solving
a) Self-righteousness
b) Position of "rightness"
3. Ability to speak truth
a) Without fear of rejection
b) without desire to harm
4. Ability to separate feeling from the message (content)
5. Recognizes the role of anger, fear, guilt.
6. Understanding of "Mail-Female brains".
7. Allows for difference of opinion.
8. Operates from a position of acceptance and love.
9. Motivations are to enhance and improve the relationship vs. destroy it.
10. Releases another and believes in his or her ability to make decisions.
11. Inspires trust by giving understanding, and responding in honesty.
12. Seeks forgiveness when mistakes are made.
a) Acts as a bridge-builder and peacekeeper
b) Restitution of wholeness
13. Accountability.
a) To word
b) To deed
Joe and Michelle Williams of the Valley Community Marriage and Family Resource Center discuss the problems associated in crisis marriage. Coming from background of prior marriages that ended in divorce and prolonged separation in their marriage together, their marriage is now 22 years long. They didn't get it together in many ways until they each made God their first priority. Get your questions together each week to ask them about your situation.
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